How does a heart go on after it was broken?
A question I often think about since my separation from my ex husband…
Him and I were a couple in good and bad for 9 years. The break up – which was not initiated by me – did not come as a surprise. We were a very dramatic couple, and as individuals we always have been very different, so when we were not in peace, it was like the world is about to explode. The different expectations and different interpretations of our reality brought us to a place where we had to say goodbye to each other – and although I found myself completely alone having to start a new life, it was always a priority for me to try remaining friends. In my book just because we didn’t function as husbands we could continue being close to each other – erasing the past is no option, but dealing with it, and understanding where it brought us is a decision we both need to make to be able to digest this loss.
And as sometimes we must be careful what we wish for, cos we might just get it, other times wishes won’t work: I had to accept that I’m going through the separation process without any emotional bonding with my ex, no matter how much I miss him from my life – not as a man, but as a human, not as my husband, but as an energy. People often ask me how did I do it. How I had the strength to rent a sailing boat as a home, decorate it, jump into new work opportunities and projects, and how on Earth did I fall in love again. The same way as I had to deal with my parents’ nasty divorce and stay positive about my future. The same way as 10 years ago I had to accept that my mother died in my arms, and I could do nothing to bring her back. It was not easy. I was blaming myself. I was questioning my right to feel joy at all. I had days when I wished to be erased from this planet, nights that I spent crying, and I was as sceptical about love and relationships as it gets.
But understanding that as a writer, as a human being, as a friend to myself and to those special people around me who were there for me when my world fell apart, I must see the light in the end of this tunnel I have decided to move on and go for a new peek to climb. I run on love, my fuel for life is unity and happiness, I strongly believe in it that we came to this world to celebrate life and to take the best out of it, and that we don’t get missions to deal with which are too big for us – in short, we all have all the tools and reasons to be fulfilled. Right now. On this pathway I ran into someone who from one day to another gave back my faith in love – with his patience, caring, and with his bravery to speak his mind, and although I have been separated from my ex husband only 2 months before, I understood that the boy I just met is so special to me, I must not turn my back on us just so I can stay single, cos that’s what society, or anyone around me was expecting from me.
Now almost 5 months passed since we parted with my ex husband, and if I learnt something, is that if one’s heart is open, miracles can happen, but when the heart is full of blame, one’s only facing dead end streets. I don’t see the reason why I would have to suffer, why I would have to hide the fact that I’m truly in love with my boyfriend, and why would I have to deny that we are making each other happy. I don’t think surviving the greatest tragedy of my life since the loss of my mother is something I should feel ashamed of. I am a story teller, and as such, I’m sharing my sorrow and my bliss – so I can inspire myself and those who happen to indentify with my stories. I still think about my ex marriage with love, nostalgia, and tears both of joy and pain, and I know that for me to arrive where I am now I needed to go through all that heaven and all that hell what we gave to each other.
I wish nothing but happiness to my ex husband, and I will never give up on the dream of one day becoming friends, because I will always love and appreciate him. But I’m also done apologizing for not being destroyed after my divorce. No person should apologize for surviving the storm, for feeling in love again after a heartbreak. My faith is in building a stronger home rather than stronger weapons, and in building a stronger spine and a straight back so I can carry the eventual weight of living, rather than building stronger arms to fight with. So this is it. My remedy for fixing a broken heart is taking responsibility for the past, being content with the present, and not being afraid of the future.
This is my religion.